runnin' on empty

ah…it has been a while. what, might you ask, has been going on? why no post in such a long time? well i am glad you asked my faithful reader(s). to your questions i respond; "quite a bit" and "see the answer to question number one." where to begin? well how is this for starters? right around the time i last posted to this blog, shannon and i found out that we will be having a child. it is true. two out of three pregnancy tests confirmed it. we're still not sure what was up with that third one. this news has been greeted with what seems to be sincere excitement from a good number of people. i have been congratulated by a good number more. i have been filled with excitement and fear and great deal of stress. neither of our jobs offers health insurance and we don't seem to qualify for any other programs so all the expenses will be coming right out of our pockets.

i have also been logging more running miles than any other time since my junior year in college. when my work schedule allowed i also managed to participate in several races. two of my favorites; the utica boilermaker, and the run for jon in peru, ny, and a new one for me, the wineglass marathon in corning. while i have turned in some decent results, most notably a second in corning, the road back to "fitness" is proving to be a rocky one. my body doesn't recover like it used to and long work weeks combined with higher miles leaves me feeling beaten and exhausted. somehow i don't remember it being so hard back in college. still i guess i am doing okay. other people seem to think so anyway.

sprinkle in the mix work schedules with hours ranging up to the upper fifties and two hour one way commutes and there ends up very little time left in the week for anything else.

i know it doesn't seem like much when it is actually written out, but it sure feels like a lot. on top of it all though, i feel grateful. grateful because i have my wife, friends, and family who support me, believe in me, and make it all worth while.

birthday

today was my daughters birthday. she would have been 11.

View from a Widow.

About a year ago, right after my wife and I were laid off from work, we decided to take in a double feature at the Malta Drive-In to get our minds off the current events of our lives. Not fifteen minutes after parking our car I found myself in the building housing the concession stand gathering napkins for the very large tub of popcorn which I had only moments before purchased. Looking up from the counter, about to head back to the car for the start of the first film, my eyes happened upon a stack of flyers. Roller Derby information night. At that moment I was transported back to the days of summer vacation right after my parents first got cable tv. Visions of scantly clad women pummeling each other while skating around a track danced in my head. I don't know what possessed me, but I picked one up.
Back at the car, I slid into the driver's seat handing my wife the tub of popcorn and the flyer. I don't know if we had ever talked about derby or if she had expressed interest but I figured that she might get a kick out of it at the very least. To say that she was excited is an understatement. To say that was the best thing to happen that night is also an understatement (of the two movies only one was marginally ok and our car battery died.) It was decided that we would attend the information night even before the first film started to roll.
The Albany All Stars were hosting the informational event in conjunction with one of their practices. From time to time one of the team's members would skate over to the crowd and tell us what was going on, talk about derby, and answer any questions. By the end of the evening I could see a sparkle in my wife's eyes and I wondered what picking up that flyer had gotten us into. She was sold on derby. By the end of the week she had purchased a beginners package from one of the suprisingly many online retailers of all things roller derby. Unfortunately the sudden loss of my second job in several months led to the shelving of Shannon's roller derby dreams due to the lack of health insurance. She would not be deterred and when we discovered that a new team, the Hellions of Troy, was having a bout in Glens Falls, we went to find out how she could join. Insurance or no insurance she had an itch and it would be scratched. The Hellions welcomed her with open arms and so my wife became "Sonic Euthanizer" and I began my time as a "derby widow."
With practice several times a week, charitable activities, and participation in the actual business side of derby, spouses and significant others get very little time together with their individual derby girl and as such are dubbed widows. For me it feels twice as bad due to working away from home most of the week. I wouldn't have it any other way though. The women who are part of this team are more than just teammates, they are family to my wife. Derby is more than just a fun thing to do, it is a support system and a chance to be a positive part of society. With bruises too many to count, black eyes, dislocated shoulders, aches and pains, and broken tail bones, these women carry on when most of us would give up. As individuals, members of the local community, and athletes, I am proud of my wife and all the rest of the Hellions. It is amazing to see them grow as a team and how important derby is to each of them. If you are a woman looking for something life changing; look no further than derby. I am sure that there is a league near you or soon will be.

The Year in Rearview

So...I got a couple extra days off this week. Sounds good right? Normally I would agree if the days off were not the result of a crash while riding my bike. (For future reference if i every mention my bike I never ever mean a motorcycle.) It occured to me late Sunday evening, as I sat icing the lump on the back of my head, that it was exactly one year to the day from the point where my life seemed to take a nose dive. That is not to say that everything that has taken place over the last 365 days has been bad. There have been some definite ups. I know that I can be abrasive and hold on to things that make me upset. I have been getting better and generally I have begun to be more positive. At the risk of imitating Andrew over at the Goodbye Blue Mondays blog and in the spirit of getting things off my chest, moving forward, and putting the past to rest; I now present you with the my own tops and bottoms list.


Bottoms

1. Losing my feline daughter
2. Getting laid off the same day as my wife from the same place
3. Getting ditched by the people I thought were friends, who used to work with me at said place (Maybe it was my Jerry Maguire exit when I was told it was the logical thing to lay us both off. Maybe some people should position their feet in other peoples shoes.)
4. Being laid off from my next job the day before my insurance was to kick in
5. Getting caught behind a crash in the Marshall and Sterling Racing City Grand Prix, having to chase and crashing myself, and then attempting to continue only to crash again when security line tape got caught in my handlebars a la Lance Armstrong and a spectators musette bag.
6. (Doesn't really count because it happened day 367) I found out that I may have a condition that causes infertility. Shannon and I are not planning on having any children but it can be upsetting to find out that we don't really have the option if we wanted to.

Tops

1. My grandmother recovering after a week of scary post operation days
2. My first podium placing day one of the 2008 Tour of the Catskills (I blew it for the overall podium the next day but it still felt really good)
3. Second in my age group at the United States National Snowshoe Championships
4. Finally having a good paying job again
5. Saabs are no match for a Lazer helmet
6. The 2009 Corning-Wineglass Marathon (I am feeling good about how it is going to go. Wait and see.)

So there it is. Here is to bigger and better things.

goin postal

I really like my new job. It keeps me moving and I have already lost some excess pounds. I like being outside and I talk to some nice and interesting people from time to time. That isn't to say this jobs doesn't have its' drawbacks. It can be stressing on a heavy volume day. Put one such day together with social security or the disbursement of any kind of assistance check and you have got the fixings for for a human bomb. Just yesterday I was treated to the pleasure of being berated by a toothless elderly woman in a trailer park. She threatened to get me fired for stealing her SSI check. Of course I had done no such thing. Her check actually came a day late and was sitting in her mailbox as she was yelling at me. I really hope that she felt like an idiot when she got around to looking in the box. I doubt it. We can all hope right? It makes me wonder why anyone thinks that the carrier has anything to do with when we get the mail to give to them or why they think that we would risk jail time, fines, loosing our jobs, or any other unwanted outcome for what amounts to pocket change in the grand scheme of things. All i know is this job has taught me better self control and insight into how the term going postal has come to be. Lets all give thanks that the LLV's don't come equipped as rendered above.

A Tale of Two Cities

Like Steve Perry of Journey said being apart ain't easy on this love affair. I guess that he had a two hour commute for his job too. As a touring musician he actually had it much worse then I do being on the road for weeks/months on end. So I guess I shouldn't complain but I do really miss my wife. I only have been doing this for a short time and I've got to tell you I hate being away from home. It is hard to live your normal life when your normal life doesn't involve a suitcase. Shannon keeps telling me that we will work something out soon so that we won't be apart so much. I hope that she is right. Until then; Welcome to Plattsburgh.

restless

sometimes i lay where she would sleep and hope to find her smell. i only take small breaths when i do. i am afraid i will inhale it all and there will be none there when i return. i will return. i can't let go. i won't let go. at night i wake and wait for her to come to bed. i know she won't. i don't believe in god but i pray as i lie there that this is a dream within a dream. i wait in vain for an answer and i think about what i did wrong. i don't sleep well anymore. i haven't for some time. she was my sanctuary. she is in the words i used to use but no longer can bear to. she is in my head. it hurts and i cry. as much as it does and i do, i don't want it to stop. i don't want to forget. she is in my heart. wherever she is now i pray that i am in hers.