sometimes i lay where she would sleep and hope to find her smell. i only take small breaths when i do. i am afraid i will inhale it all and there will be none there when i return. i will return. i can't let go. i won't let go. at night i wake and wait for her to come to bed. i know she won't. i don't believe in god but i pray as i lie there that this is a dream within a dream. i wait in vain for an answer and i think about what i did wrong. i don't sleep well anymore. i haven't for some time. she was my sanctuary. she is in the words i used to use but no longer can bear to. she is in my head. it hurts and i cry. as much as it does and i do, i don't want it to stop. i don't want to forget. she is in my heart. wherever she is now i pray that i am in hers.