MIA

It has been a long time again since I wrote anything.  With the new year coming I have decided to get back at it.  There are many exciting things in the works and in the coming days and months I am looking forward to sharing them.  Check back soon.

looking up

a little over three years ago i almost ran in front of a very large moving object…on purpose.  had my wife not been with me at the time there is a very good chance that it would have happened.  not a day has gone past that i haven't been thankful that she was there.  so many great events have happened and amazing people have crossed my path that the adversities and grief that led to that one moment have been put in a new perspective.  that is not to say that the events that had transpired mattered any less, just that i have found ways to cope and thrive within my times of difficulty.  rediscovering running has been an immense help.  it has given me destinations to keep moving toward and a sense of accomplishment.  focusing on the next workout or race keeps me from becoming overwhelmed by the long term goals and moves me in the right direction.  when i feel like i am stuck in a rut dragging the mail around day after day it is good to have something to snap me out of it.  most of the time going for a run does just that.  sometimes all i need to do is to look up when walking past a tree that i have gone by a thousand times before to get a different view.
occasionally i am reminded that not everyone has been as fortunate as i, to have the wife, daughter, family, and friends that i do, or have found ways to live with the intensity that life will throw at you.  about a month ago i ran in and won a half marathon.  you would assume that when i think of that day i would be happy.  instead i find myself thinking about how i later learned that while i was running my warm-up i passed within three homes of a young man who was taking his own life.  i did not know him.  i do not know anything about what his situation was like.  what i do know is that it is a terrible thing to feel like you can't live in this moment and the next one is unthinkable.  a life is made up of so many moments.  each one a little step to a bigger goal.  having been so close by, i wish that there was something that i could have done to change the outcome that day.  i know there wasn't anything i could have done but that doesn't stop me from feeling the way i do.  if you are reading this and you ever feel like life is too much to take, try to find solace in the fact that you are not alone.  this moment will pass and there will be another right behind it and then another and another.  get moving.  get out of the house.  call anyone.  don't let that one tiny moment be the one that defines you.  eventually something will happen that will make you glad you did.

Thank you Shannon for saving my life.

Wheels of Change

Roller Derby Is The Greatest Sport Ever. There, I said it. I am a runner and always will be. Even if I never take another stride for the rest of my life, that fact will never change. It isn't running that I regularly wake up having dreamt about. Well maybe I do, but I don't sit around on freezing cold floors just to watch other people get in their training miles. Unlike many runners I don't really care who ran what time. Don't get me wrong. I am pretty impressed with what people have been able to do and I intend to continue to push my running as far as I can take it. I love to run. Derby though…is a drug to which I find myself addicted and I don't even play. Maybe it is the team aspect that I find so appealing. Running, (specifically marathon training) no matter what way you slice it, will always be a solitary sport. My job usually leaves me with little to no interaction with other humans. When I am training I rarely run with anyone else. Most of the time the extent of my contact with other people is when I return home at the end of the workday and get to see my wife and daughter. What this equals is a lot of solo time. Solo time is good for thinking as I may have mentioned in an earlier post. Recently I was doing just that and thought that maybe the appeal of roller derby isn't actually the team aspect. Maybe it is because it is a sport (or at least it's current incarnation is) founded on passion and survives/thrives on the hard work of the people who participate. There are no big paychecks as of yet and only minor celebrities. It is not riddled with the drug scandals found in running or cycling. The cynic in me believes that there must be doping and there will always be some form of cheating but where's the motivation? It is an amateur sport fueled by camaraderie, the love of competition, and the sport itself, not a big payday. As a fan I can relate to these women and men. I see the sacrifices that need to be made to play as they juggle personal, professional, and home lives. The payoff is not a wad of cash but actually participation in the event itself. ROLLER DERBY IS PASSION AND PURE. That is why I think I can't get this sport out of my head. Professional establishments and athletes could learn a lot from roller derby. Until they do and change their ways you'll find me in the crash zone watching the only sport that really matters.

Most Valuable Slayer

Flexi Wheeler. What can you say about Flexi that hasn't already been said by Popular Mechanics (page 101) in September of 1984? …1984? That's right. In an article entitled "Flexi-wheeler to anywhere" it was written, "This eight wheeled monster does tricks that would turn lesser vehicles into wrecks." They weren't really talking about the woman that embodies the name "Flexi Wheeler" on the flat track roller derby circuit 26 years later, but definitely could have been. The one thing that doesn't really parallel in that statement is "monster." Sometimes larger than life, always outspoken, and a force to be reckoned with on the track, you either love Flexi or you don't, but monster?

Everyone has their moments and Flexi is no exception, but over the course of the last few years I have gotten to know Ms. Wheeler as a member of the Hellions of Troy Roller Derby League and found her to have quite the heart. She was the first Hellion I met when Shannon, aka Sonic Euthanizer, joined the team. I didn't know what to make of this woman skating around in next to nothing. I felt pretty intimidated. Look at the size of her muscles and then take a look at me. She could tear a scrawny runner like me in half. That intimidation disappeared as soon as she came over half way through the practice and introduced herself. "Hey your girl's gonna be pretty good," she said to me as she grabbed some water and took off another layer of clothing. We made our introductions and chatted a bit about the Hellions before she went back out on the floor. What struck me was, when she spoke of the team and the women of which it was comprised, was the passion that could be read in her voice. Over two years later I still hear that passion. She has big aspirations for the team that she helped to start. She has faith in her teammates, talks highly of them, and is eager to share her love of derby. I have seen her wear many hats, or should I say helmets (she has quite a few,) as a team member. Sponsorship, public relations, recruitment, coaching, fierce competitor; she has done it all at one point or another. Flexi Wheeler bleeds pink and green.

Last weekend (10/16) saw the Hellions hold their first ever intraleague bout that saw half the team as vampires and the other as zombies in the spirit of Halloween. Sonic was a vampire and Flexi a zombie. Both sides played pretty aggressive with neither side going easy on the other because they are teammates. They played as hard as they would if they were up against any other leagues team. In the second half of the bout the zombies got a break in what was an otherwise even match-up when Flexi had an impressive 20 point power jam. Those 20 points were the exact margin of victory for the zombies. It was great bout to watch and to see how much the team has grown in both size and ability and think back to that frosty winter day that I attended that first practice.

Later that evening, when making our rounds at the after party and saying our goodbyes, Shannon and I were speaking with Sinful Pleasures, who bench coached for the vampires, and Flexi about the bout and Shannon's new league (we recently moved too far away for her to continue to commute to Hellions practices.) As always Flexi showed nothing but support and excitement for Shannon. She congratulated her on being selected as MVP for the vampire team and wished her luck. Over the course of that conversation I learned that Flexi has never been selected as a bout MVP. It was a fact that had me a bit surprised. I realized that night on the drive home, after reflecting on the number of girls she has coached, played with, and inspired both on and off the rink, that she is an MVP. She is an MVP of the Hellions of Troy and for the sport of roller derby.

Can you dig it? (James Brown from Plattsburgh, NY, YOU are a Tinman!)

The human spirit is an amazing thing. I have, in my life, been witness to a few examples of just how strong someone's can be. Recently I was fortunate enough to make my way to Lake Placid to be a spectator/cheerleader for this year's installment of the Ironman. For those of you uninitiated in Ironman competition, it is a "race" of 140.6 miles broken down into a 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bicycle, and a 26.2 mile run. The word race is one I use lightly because for many of those who enter it is not so much a race as a matter of survival. I imagine that for the average person entering and preparing for this event can be quite daunting. For my friend James, who's deployment to Afghanistan left him little time to prepare, I can only think that this is a giant understatement. To make up for lost time and lack of experience (he had never swam as far in open water or run a marathon prior to the Ironman) he entered numerous events through out the spring and early summer to race himself into shape. After crashing or flatting on the bike portion of every race, his publicly stated goal was just to make it through the Ironman without any of the same problems. Add the lack of training/experience with the technical difficulties and I am sure, even if he never said it out loud, that he was more than a little apprehensive as the big day rapidly approached. When July 25th arrived, friends and family dispersed to different parts of the race course to cheer James along. Without giving a play by play I will just say that he made it through the swim comfortably and avoided any issues while on the bike leg. It seemed as if luck was on James' side that day. He was on pace for a good time and all of us who went to support his effort were pretty excited for him. In the excitement an unnamed person let it slip that his secret goal was to finish in under twelve hours. It seemed very doable as he transitioned into the run. He looked strong and comfortable. That illusion was soon shattered by a phone call from my dad who volunteers out on the run course with a groups of guys from the local ATV club. James was cramping in his legs pretty bad and his pace had dropped dramatically. We waited in town for him to reappear as the minutes ticked by. The coveted twelve hour mark was rapidly approaching. When I finally caught sight of him rounding onto the last hill that led onto Lake Placid's main drag he was sporting a grimace and his run was more of a hopping limp than a stride. I let loose with the supportive yelling from the sidelines. He could still make it but he would have to push past the pain and do so for the remaining few miles. My brother, his wife Rebecca, Seth, Shea, and Simon, his sons, and his parents all joined in. I don't think that there wasn't a person around who didn't hear us. When he passed we all made our way into the finishing area and waited again as time continued to slip away. My palms filled with sweat and my childhood wish for Jedi mind powers kicked into overdrive as I tried to mentally will his legs to keep moving. Just as I was beginning to fear that he wouldn't make it he came around the corner with a painful hitch and entered the finishing arena with less than two minutes to go. My brother and I screamed to the point of losing our voices and scared a few people in the process. He was going to do it. In the face of adversity he pushed on and dug deep inside himself to find the strength to continue. 11:59:03. Several weeks later when I think back I still get cold chills. James has, at several points, said that he could never have done it without all the support and that my brother, Matthew, and I were a big part of him reaching his goal. I don't agree though. Like the band America said, "Oz never gave nothin' to the Tinman that he didn't already have." I do agree with that. He always had it in him, he just needed to dig deep to find it.

(in case you are interested; http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/discussion/forums/thread-view.asp?tid=219854 )

Rise and Shine.

Life. A lot of ups and downs. Hopefully more ups. Lately, I just can't seem to shake the feeling that I am the fat kid on the see-saw. When someone comes along to finally buoy my weight, they jump off as I reach the top only to send me plummeting down to bruise my rear. I get just enough of the fresh air up above so that I get a sense of what I am missing as I choke down the dirt littered air kicked up by my fall. Yeah, yeah, I know, the grass is always greener on the other side. A good portion of the time I would agree. It is getting hard, though, not to notice the scorched yard at my feet. Heck, I don't even want to be on the other side. What I would like is a little organic compost and some water to liven up the sod or at the very least something to prop my end of the teeter-totter.

This Award Goes Out To…

It has been a long time again. I know. There has been a lot to write about but when it comes time to put pen to the pad there just isn’t the motivation. Don’t get me wrong. It is not everyday that the cutest, most perfect child in the history of the universe is born, but I would rather spend the time with her and Shannon than write what is most likely to be read by only a handful of people. So what is different about today? Well for starters they are both sleeping and I just got home from a run and don’t want to wake them. Shannon doesn’t get much sleep since Olivia was born (at home, drug free in case you were wondering.) The biggest reason is that I am 27 short hours from the start of what I feel is the most important race that I have ever run in my life. I’ve put in a lot of miles getting ready. I don’t remember being this on edge about competing since the day of the cross-country national qualifier race my senior year of college. That day I broke down in tears as I was doing my final strides before the start. The pressure I put on my self to do well, the work that it took to get to that moment, and the possibility that it could have been my last cross-country race finally became too much. I did okay that day. I probably would have not advanced on my own if the team hadn’t won and qualified as a group for nationals. The marathon, though a very individual event from an outsider’s viewpoint, is very much a team sport. That is why I am taking some time out of what little I have left to prepare to write this. I would like to thank the team of people that make what I am about to do possible. If I do not mention you please do not take offense. I value your encouragement and support more than you could know. I only have a little time and there are a number of individuals that I just could not have done this with out. So in no order of importance and with out further ado…

Mark Elmore. Your guidance, insight, patience, weekly workouts, and most importantly your friendship have been the foundation for this journey I find myself on after meeting you almost 25 years ago. I wish more people could feel your influence and your passion for our sport.

Shannon Drowne. You are my wife, best friend, and the best thing to ever happen to me. Your undying belief in me, and your support keep me going. I, more than anyone, know the sacrifices you make. I hope that I can do the same for you soon and make all your derby dreams come true.

Kashmire. My feline daughter (RIP,) I find strength in your memory. Whatever the outcome tomorrow, I feel it will still be a victory and I dedicate it in your honor. I miss you everyday.

Matthew Drowne. My little brother with a heart bigger than anyone I know. If Boston were at the South Pole you would be there. You are a better runner than me and I hope that some day soon we can show everyone what you can really do.

James Brown. I don’t know what I did to deserve a friend like you. You see something in me that I am not even sure I do. Thank you so very much for that. Now if only you believed me when I told you what I see in you. I wish you the best of luck in Lake Placid.

Daniel and Brenda Drowne. My parents. I can’t say enough. You make ridiculously long trips to catch a glimpse of me for 15-20 seconds. I can hear dad a half mile away. Everyone needs support like that. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Like an Academy Award winner giving an acceptance speech, I could go on until the guy behind the curtain cues the music and gets a well-dressed individual to escort my butt off the stage. Unfortunately I only have a little time left to get ready for the storm that is The Boston Marathon. I know that probably everyone reading this has already done so, but wish me luck. Boston here I come.

Driving Down Memory Lane

As I write this I find myself sitting in the passenger side of my wife’s car on another trip north to Plattsburgh for work tomorrow. Not too much longer and the only time I will be making this trip is to see friends and family. It is a time that I am eagerly anticipating. The better part of a year has flown by. Some of it was good and some of it not so. I think that as a result of this time I have grown as an individual. I have learned more about myself, witnessed the strength of my marriage, and felt a small shift in my beliefs about the nature of the universe. On the eve of the birth of my first human child I hope, as so many parents before me have, that I can pass on what I have learned. At the same time I want to avoid being that parent that projects my image of what I think should be on my daughter (or in the event that we are wrong; son.) I want her to grow and form her own point of view based on her own experiences and choices. When she is my age I hope that she can reflect on her youth in that magical 1970’s Technicolor of memories and remember Shannon and I as positive and supportive, not overbearing and overprotective. I would very much like for those years to be filled with events worth looking back on with nostalgia. I am sure that no parent would ever wish anything other than that, but that doesn’t stop me from wishing it just the same. So until then; here is to a future past hopefully teeming with love.

runnin' on empty

ah…it has been a while. what, might you ask, has been going on? why no post in such a long time? well i am glad you asked my faithful reader(s). to your questions i respond; "quite a bit" and "see the answer to question number one." where to begin? well how is this for starters? right around the time i last posted to this blog, shannon and i found out that we will be having a child. it is true. two out of three pregnancy tests confirmed it. we're still not sure what was up with that third one. this news has been greeted with what seems to be sincere excitement from a good number of people. i have been congratulated by a good number more. i have been filled with excitement and fear and great deal of stress. neither of our jobs offers health insurance and we don't seem to qualify for any other programs so all the expenses will be coming right out of our pockets.

i have also been logging more running miles than any other time since my junior year in college. when my work schedule allowed i also managed to participate in several races. two of my favorites; the utica boilermaker, and the run for jon in peru, ny, and a new one for me, the wineglass marathon in corning. while i have turned in some decent results, most notably a second in corning, the road back to "fitness" is proving to be a rocky one. my body doesn't recover like it used to and long work weeks combined with higher miles leaves me feeling beaten and exhausted. somehow i don't remember it being so hard back in college. still i guess i am doing okay. other people seem to think so anyway.

sprinkle in the mix work schedules with hours ranging up to the upper fifties and two hour one way commutes and there ends up very little time left in the week for anything else.

i know it doesn't seem like much when it is actually written out, but it sure feels like a lot. on top of it all though, i feel grateful. grateful because i have my wife, friends, and family who support me, believe in me, and make it all worth while.

birthday

today was my daughters birthday. she would have been 11.

View from a Widow.

About a year ago, right after my wife and I were laid off from work, we decided to take in a double feature at the Malta Drive-In to get our minds off the current events of our lives. Not fifteen minutes after parking our car I found myself in the building housing the concession stand gathering napkins for the very large tub of popcorn which I had only moments before purchased. Looking up from the counter, about to head back to the car for the start of the first film, my eyes happened upon a stack of flyers. Roller Derby information night. At that moment I was transported back to the days of summer vacation right after my parents first got cable tv. Visions of scantly clad women pummeling each other while skating around a track danced in my head. I don't know what possessed me, but I picked one up.
Back at the car, I slid into the driver's seat handing my wife the tub of popcorn and the flyer. I don't know if we had ever talked about derby or if she had expressed interest but I figured that she might get a kick out of it at the very least. To say that she was excited is an understatement. To say that was the best thing to happen that night is also an understatement (of the two movies only one was marginally ok and our car battery died.) It was decided that we would attend the information night even before the first film started to roll.
The Albany All Stars were hosting the informational event in conjunction with one of their practices. From time to time one of the team's members would skate over to the crowd and tell us what was going on, talk about derby, and answer any questions. By the end of the evening I could see a sparkle in my wife's eyes and I wondered what picking up that flyer had gotten us into. She was sold on derby. By the end of the week she had purchased a beginners package from one of the suprisingly many online retailers of all things roller derby. Unfortunately the sudden loss of my second job in several months led to the shelving of Shannon's roller derby dreams due to the lack of health insurance. She would not be deterred and when we discovered that a new team, the Hellions of Troy, was having a bout in Glens Falls, we went to find out how she could join. Insurance or no insurance she had an itch and it would be scratched. The Hellions welcomed her with open arms and so my wife became "Sonic Euthanizer" and I began my time as a "derby widow."
With practice several times a week, charitable activities, and participation in the actual business side of derby, spouses and significant others get very little time together with their individual derby girl and as such are dubbed widows. For me it feels twice as bad due to working away from home most of the week. I wouldn't have it any other way though. The women who are part of this team are more than just teammates, they are family to my wife. Derby is more than just a fun thing to do, it is a support system and a chance to be a positive part of society. With bruises too many to count, black eyes, dislocated shoulders, aches and pains, and broken tail bones, these women carry on when most of us would give up. As individuals, members of the local community, and athletes, I am proud of my wife and all the rest of the Hellions. It is amazing to see them grow as a team and how important derby is to each of them. If you are a woman looking for something life changing; look no further than derby. I am sure that there is a league near you or soon will be.

The Year in Rearview

So...I got a couple extra days off this week. Sounds good right? Normally I would agree if the days off were not the result of a crash while riding my bike. (For future reference if i every mention my bike I never ever mean a motorcycle.) It occured to me late Sunday evening, as I sat icing the lump on the back of my head, that it was exactly one year to the day from the point where my life seemed to take a nose dive. That is not to say that everything that has taken place over the last 365 days has been bad. There have been some definite ups. I know that I can be abrasive and hold on to things that make me upset. I have been getting better and generally I have begun to be more positive. At the risk of imitating Andrew over at the Goodbye Blue Mondays blog and in the spirit of getting things off my chest, moving forward, and putting the past to rest; I now present you with the my own tops and bottoms list.


Bottoms

1. Losing my feline daughter
2. Getting laid off the same day as my wife from the same place
3. Getting ditched by the people I thought were friends, who used to work with me at said place (Maybe it was my Jerry Maguire exit when I was told it was the logical thing to lay us both off. Maybe some people should position their feet in other peoples shoes.)
4. Being laid off from my next job the day before my insurance was to kick in
5. Getting caught behind a crash in the Marshall and Sterling Racing City Grand Prix, having to chase and crashing myself, and then attempting to continue only to crash again when security line tape got caught in my handlebars a la Lance Armstrong and a spectators musette bag.
6. (Doesn't really count because it happened day 367) I found out that I may have a condition that causes infertility. Shannon and I are not planning on having any children but it can be upsetting to find out that we don't really have the option if we wanted to.

Tops

1. My grandmother recovering after a week of scary post operation days
2. My first podium placing day one of the 2008 Tour of the Catskills (I blew it for the overall podium the next day but it still felt really good)
3. Second in my age group at the United States National Snowshoe Championships
4. Finally having a good paying job again
5. Saabs are no match for a Lazer helmet
6. The 2009 Corning-Wineglass Marathon (I am feeling good about how it is going to go. Wait and see.)

So there it is. Here is to bigger and better things.

goin postal

I really like my new job. It keeps me moving and I have already lost some excess pounds. I like being outside and I talk to some nice and interesting people from time to time. That isn't to say this jobs doesn't have its' drawbacks. It can be stressing on a heavy volume day. Put one such day together with social security or the disbursement of any kind of assistance check and you have got the fixings for for a human bomb. Just yesterday I was treated to the pleasure of being berated by a toothless elderly woman in a trailer park. She threatened to get me fired for stealing her SSI check. Of course I had done no such thing. Her check actually came a day late and was sitting in her mailbox as she was yelling at me. I really hope that she felt like an idiot when she got around to looking in the box. I doubt it. We can all hope right? It makes me wonder why anyone thinks that the carrier has anything to do with when we get the mail to give to them or why they think that we would risk jail time, fines, loosing our jobs, or any other unwanted outcome for what amounts to pocket change in the grand scheme of things. All i know is this job has taught me better self control and insight into how the term going postal has come to be. Lets all give thanks that the LLV's don't come equipped as rendered above.

A Tale of Two Cities

Like Steve Perry of Journey said being apart ain't easy on this love affair. I guess that he had a two hour commute for his job too. As a touring musician he actually had it much worse then I do being on the road for weeks/months on end. So I guess I shouldn't complain but I do really miss my wife. I only have been doing this for a short time and I've got to tell you I hate being away from home. It is hard to live your normal life when your normal life doesn't involve a suitcase. Shannon keeps telling me that we will work something out soon so that we won't be apart so much. I hope that she is right. Until then; Welcome to Plattsburgh.

restless

sometimes i lay where she would sleep and hope to find her smell. i only take small breaths when i do. i am afraid i will inhale it all and there will be none there when i return. i will return. i can't let go. i won't let go. at night i wake and wait for her to come to bed. i know she won't. i don't believe in god but i pray as i lie there that this is a dream within a dream. i wait in vain for an answer and i think about what i did wrong. i don't sleep well anymore. i haven't for some time. she was my sanctuary. she is in the words i used to use but no longer can bear to. she is in my head. it hurts and i cry. as much as it does and i do, i don't want it to stop. i don't want to forget. she is in my heart. wherever she is now i pray that i am in hers.